Waffle House—An American institution you can trust

The 21st century has seen America losing faith in institutions.

The government after September 11th, the medical establishment after COVID, universities and the mainstream media through it all—trust has eroded at every level of American society. Most citizens would never admit they’re dying for somewhere to place their trust again. They’d tell you they’re getting by just fine. But, for those people, I have some great news: Waffle House is ready to welcome you with arms wide open.

Come as you are

Give us your tired,
Your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free

Sure, you can find the original version of that poem on the Statue of Liberty, but tell me it wouldn’t belong on a plaque outside every Waffle House in America.

Waffle House is the definition of come as you are. Come after you get off work from the construction site. Come after you see your probation officer. Come after you get out of the hospital even though you haven’t had time to change out of your hospital gown, and yeah, you probably shouldn’t have taken that IV pole with you, but who cares. No matter how you show up, the only judgment you’ll know is the judgment you give yourself.

Waffle House is also the definition of come whenever you are, because they’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. They are truly open every second of every day. And if they’re not, then you know there’s reason to worry.

The Waffle House Index

The American government judges the severity of natural disasters by how much they disrupt the local Waffle House location’s operations. The government refers to this measurement as The Waffle House Index¹.

The government reports the severity via a color scale:

Table copied from the article on Wikipedia; link included in footnotes below.

Waffle House has its finger on the pulse of the everyman/everywoman/everyperson. When egg prices hurt the masses, they hit Waffle House too. When Waffle House shuts down, then the masses should expect hard times ahead. As the masses go, so goes Waffle House.

They don’t call it the IHOP Index or the Denny’s Index. The government puts its trust in Waffle House, so why shouldn’t you?

Waffle House ain’t just for the blue collars

Waffle House has a reputation of being a low-brow kind of establishment. And, really, it is. But that doesn’t mean high-brow folks can’t enjoy the restaurant as well. For proof, look no further than Anthony Bourdain, who spent much of his life traveling the globe to explore the cultural significance of a region’s food, yet was still able to grasp and appreciate the wonder that is Waffle House.

Bourdain was the living embodiment of my artistic ideal: Sophistication without pretentiousness. You can appreciate the finer things in life while also enjoying the simple pleasures around you, one of those simple pleasures being your local Waffle House.

If Waffle House is good enough for Bourdain, then it’s good enough for you and me. And it’s good enough for the elites who look down on such places. Waffle House deserves to be a staple of Middle America, not in that it should be enjoyed only by the dwindling middle class, but instead as a place that averages (middles) out the high and low of society, a meeting place of the working class and the elites alike.

Tell me why multi-million-dollar deals can’t be done at the local Waffle House or the mini-golf course. Deals can be done anywhere you can shake hands as long as your word means something. If you can’t be trusted with that basic responsibility, then Waffle House ain’t the problem—YOU ARE! Instead of asking Waffle House to raise its standards, first raise your own within yourself.

The typical patrons of Waffle House may not be wealthy, but they are wise, because they know a great value when they see it. They don’t go to Waffle House for Instagram-worthy eats. Sure, the waffles and the grits and the hashbrowns are of the same quality you could make at home, but that feature only makes Waffle House feel more like home.

How much do you really need?

Some people may complain about the service at Waffle House. I myself have never gotten bad service at any location. Sure, I’ve never had anyone pull out my chair or offer to crack some pepper over my eggs, but I’m perfectly capable of handling these tasks to save a few bucks. Just bring me a fresh All-Star Special and keep my mug filled, and I’ll handle the rest. Sometimes I want to be pampered and made to feel special, but Waffle House ain’t the place for that. Waffle House is where you go to assimilate, to belong. You don’t go to Waffle House to stand out.

Jake, why are you praising Waffle House so much? Can’t you afford better?

I can afford more expensive eateries than Waffle House. But what’s the point if I don’t want the pricier option? Just because it’s pricier doesn’t mean it’s better, because Waffle House is obviously about as good as it gets. I’m that same guy who was raised on Totino’s pizza and who has relied on Chef Boyardee to get him through the work day countless times. You can take the boy out of the trailer house . . .

Some people fear running into a drunkard—or worse—at Waffle House. But smart patrons know this is part of the value—you have the chance for entertainment like no other. You’ll be the most interesting person in the office break room for AT LEAST the next two work days with your crazy Waffle House story, and that temporary bump in social capital ain’t nothin’. But if a rowdy scene at mealtime ain’t your idea of a good time, then you can hedge your bets by going to Waffle House during daylight hours. It’s a universal truth that you get a different crowd at 2am—nothing good happens after midnight, after all. But the risk isn’t unique to Waffle House, as these experiences may be awaiting us at every turn. Nowhere is safe. Rather than let this fact scare us, we should instead use it as fuel to do our part to make the world a better place, both within the walls of our beloved Waffle Houses, and beyond.

1. The Waffle House Index on Wikipedia ↩︎